Christmas Lights
We’ve all seen the image, right? It’s an image burnt into the most over-romanticized parts of our psyches. It’s the holiday vision of a warmly lit living room clogged with a gaggle of sweater-clad family members that span at least three – maybe four – generations. The jovial bunch maximize family benefit by intentionally situating themselves ’round a mahogany-stained coffee table decorated with a lovely scented pine cone/candle centerpiece and an over-sized coffee table book that no one reads. The intentional seating works! The face-to-face seating arrangement naturally encourages wide smiles and everyone secretly crosses their fingers and hopes for the return volley! But wait! Just as the tension of serving smiles and returning served smiles with even more smiles reaches its crescendo, someone relieves the building tension with a song! A random Christmas carol is confidently launched by the business savvy and financially successful older brother, and everyone joyfully accompanies him their heartiest singing voice! A younger sister who was just given a promotion at Goldman Sachs is happily sitting on the lap of her U. Penn alumnus who just so happens to be adored by everyone in the family – especially Dad! Young and old alike almost deify the matriarch with their praise for her mystifying and Martha Stuart-like ability to decorate for holidays. The six-year-old baby of the family is busy wowing his audience with his mastery of fourth grade level vocab as he solicits sips of eggnog from his aunties and uncles, who think he is just the cutest thing since sliced … oh I’ll spare you the cliche. This is Christmas? Really? Is it? Nah …
Family Christmas Unplugged
We’ve all experienced the reality, right? It’s a holiday debacle re-lived over and over again. A few dedicated family members do their best to show up at the patriarch’s house for a rubbery bite of over-salted ham and cold, lumpy mashed potatoes. The holiday decor is dangling half-assed from odd places in a living room that was never meant to hold more than four and a half people, tops. The regular no-shows claim they have too much work to do, or they simply want to stay at home so they can actually enjoy a rare break from their Scrooge-like boss who may-as-well pay them in beans. A ten year-old grudge between an older brother and a younger sister finally morphs into a semi-blown argument. A bitter aunt who was just fired from Wal-Mart launches into a tirade against “annoying Christmas music,” which she has been “listening to at work since late October, damn it!” The eight-year-old baby of the family finally grew back a pair of front teeth, and is showing progress with the speech impediment. The pet cat is busy shredding the obviously cheep and cheesy cloth-wrapped Christmas tree ornaments. Dad went AWOL and has been hiding in the garage for four long hours ago and shows no sign of returning for fear of coming face to face with his gay son and his partner, who did show up this year! Is this Christmas? You bet it is! You better be prepared! The following five tips will help you survive a family Christmas gathering. Read them; remember them.
Five Family Christmas Survival Tips
First of all, do not commit to the family Christmas gathering unless you are sure that you have an air-tight and time-tested excuse that can be used in a moment’s notice to get out of it. A really solid excuse will prove itself handy should the need to quickly change your plans actually arise. In other words, always have an escape route mapped out ahead of time. You should have an escape plan in hand before you actually commit to the family event.
Secondly, do try to preempt any and all conversation with the aunts and uncles you may run into before they preempt you! Remember, these people haven’t laid eyes on you or talked to you for a year or more! If they begin the conversation, then they can control the conversation! God knows where you could be led from there, or for how long! An hour-long talk about hand-made yard fountains would be terribly unfortunate! A three-hour rant about the superiority of conservative politics is not my idea of a great Christmas! Always maintain control of any dialogue between you and any long-lost aunts and uncles, so you can move on at will, if need be!
Third, never – I REPEAT: NEVER – ask any of your church going relatives about their religion, or how their church is doing, or who they voted for in the last election. Never, ever, never ask such crazy loaded questions at the family Christmas! There is a wise saying from ancient days that says there are two things one should never talk about with family: Religion and Politics. Don’t do it!!! Ever!!! You have been warned!
Fourth, don’t spend more than twenty dollars on individual gifts for family members you never see. Limit your gift-buying to twenty dollars, total. Shop only for your most important relatives! The hell with everyone else! Obviously, you should take care of Mom and Dad, who are unarguably the two most important relatives at any family Christmas gathering. Keep the gift for Mom and Dad under forty bucks. That’s it! Twenty dollars for gifts for the most important members of your family; forty dollars for Mom and Dad’s gift. Forget everyone else! No one else in your extended family would like what you might buy for them anyway, so just scratch them off the gift list and save your hard-earned cash money for the alcohol you’ll need as you recover from this entire holiday fiasco.
Finally, if you actually attend the family Christmas gathering, do try your best to ignore all the overtly obvious things about your family that annoy the living hell out of you. The family Christmas get-together only happens once a year, and only lasts for a few hours, so take the high road. Your nerves will be better for it, trust me.
Recovering From the Family Christmas
Recovery from the family Christmas gathering should take place in the peace and comfort of your own home. It usually requires a day or two of serious rest and relaxation followed by at least one night of heavy binge drinking. Your spouse will probably want to binge drink with you, in an attempt to self-medicate in preparation for the always hip and happening family New Year’s celebration taking place at his/her parent’s house. You should welcome your spouse into your recovery space and share your alcohol with him/her. Encourage your spouse/partner to keep his/her head up, and remind him/her that you are in this together! Be strong together! Together, we all can survive a family Christmas! Also, don’t be afraid to pray for the quick arrival of the day when your own children all grow up and your own family expands and everyone starts feeling terribly obligated to come to your house for the holidays. Lord knows, that day can’t come soon enough!
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